***
It will all be fine. Stop worrying.
Audra reads that message over and over, trying to convince herself that it's true. Eventually, she replies: whatever.
The three little dots that signify typing pop on the screen before disappearing a few moments later. Her sister had obviously given up trying to convince her. With a sigh, Audra grabs her worn black backpack and slings it over her shoulder, making sure to pack both her laptop and tablet, just in case her laptop breaks down and she needs a backup.
She had only moved into university halls two days ago, far later than everyone else. As late as possible, in fact. She had missed out on all the celebratory drinks and meet and greets. A lot of people had already formed cliques.
Good thing I'm fine on my own, she tells herself, thinking back to last year in school.
At first people treated her like an outcast, but then she just accepted it herself and avoided everyone. Most days she went hours without saying a word or being noticed by anyone. After a while she just got used to it.
Only three more years. Then hopefully I won't have to live like this anymore.
She places one hand on the door handle, looking around at her tiny room, which is filled with unpacked boxes. The snacks her mother left her are still uneaten on the side, Audra being too anxious to even attempt eating them.
Come on.
With a deep breath she flings the door open and steps out before she loses her nerve. The halls are empty; a few beer cans scattered around, but that's all. She pushes forward, clinging to the Velcro strap of her backpack.
This year she gets the chance to live in halls with the other first-year students. Next year she’ll have to find her own accommodation, a thought that had crossed her mind several times. She couldn't afford to live on her own, so she would have to move in with others.
Except no-one knows I exist yet, she internally curses herself.
Once outside, she takes a breath of cool morning air, tinged with sea salt. Although many chose this university because it was near the coast, she picked it because it had the only course that she could just about tolerate: minimal group work and lots of essays, just the way she liked it.
There aren't many other students out yet. The ones that are look groggy from the early-morning start. She walks past them without a glance, though they don't seem bothered. The university is only a four-minute walk away, which she had timed many times in case she ever needed to run if she was late. The glass buildings loom above her as she gets closer, fixed with signs about open days and events. She follows the orange brick path to reach the philosophy department, where she will be spending most of her time. She passes cafés filled with people, all picking strong coffees and sweet-smelling pastries to wake them up. Her stomach lurches in fear, and she doesn't dare stop to buy anything. If she feels better after the introduction, she'll get something to eat, but right now she isn’t hungry.
"Hey!"
She whips round on instinct, but the person calling jogs past her to join another student. He gives her a strange look as he passes by, which she reciprocates with a glare.
There's no point trying to make friends. But I need to, her mind argues.
She gets to the entrance of the philosophy department in no time. The glass is mostly mottled so she cannot see inside. A student representative stands at the door, chatting to people who enter and passing them some sort of bag. Her heart thumps as the people who stared at her earlier go in first, happily talking to the brunette girl at the door.
She looks nice enough, she tells herself, gripping her strap even harder.
The people in front go inside too quickly, leaving her next in line.
Come on, you can do this.
"Hi!" the girl says with a smile. "My name is Moss. I'm a second-year maths student."
Audra manages a sweet smile and a nod.
"Nervous, huh? Don't worry! I just wanted to give you this before you go in." Audra takes the bag from her with trembling hands. "We're starting a video game development club. This year we're focusing on horror! It'll be fun. You can learn all the basics there, so don't worry about not knowing anything." Moss flashes another smile, her eyes darting over Audra's head. "I'll let you go in, but please don't worry. You look like a deer in the headlights; it's not that bad!"
Audra nods politely and clutches the bag as she goes inside, instantly enveloped by the smell of bleach. Either someone made a mess before the first day or they want to give a really good impression. She already knows where the room is, thanks to hours of searching for the best route and quickest escapes. A lot of the crowd split off in different directions, but the people she encountered earlier are unfortunately heading in the same direction as her.
Great. They'll tell everyone how weird I am.
Her phone vibrates in her jacket, but she doesn't dare look. It's probably from her mother, wishing her good luck. Or her sister finally decided to reply. Either way, looking now might make her cry. And she did not want to be known as the girl who cried for the rest of her time here.
"Philosophy and ethics!" a man, probably the lecturer guessing by how smartly he's dressed, calls from the room she's supposed to go in.
Again, the people in front go in first, with massive smiles on their faces and giving the man a friendly wave. She rushes in after them, ignoring the lecturer's good morning spiel. The lecture hall isn't that big, with a few rows of desks facing a screen at the front. There doesn't seem to be a seating plan, so people are just sitting wherever they want.
Just pick a seat.
She goes to the middle row and settles for a desk on the end, close to the door. For an easy escape if she needs it. As she unpacks her stuff, she wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans.
"Ah, piss."
Her head shoots up at a group of girls standing next to her. They're all carrying laptops and folders and are glaring at her.
Audra boots her laptop up when one of the girls slams a hand on her desk. "Excuse me."
The girls loom over her as she looks up, but says nothing.
"Hello?" another says, waving a hand in her face.
Again, she says nothing. A nervous glance towards the door tells her that the lecturer hasn't noticed what's going on a foot away.
"We want this row," the lead girl snarls, her black curls bouncing across her face.
There's no use making enemies.
Audra grabs as much of her stuff as she can with shaking hands and goes a row back, further from the door but still in sight of it if she needs a quick escape. The lead girl takes her former desk, pretending to flick crumbs off the top of it.
Don't cry.
Tears sting her eyes and her throat is closing up. As she closes her eyes to take a few deep breaths, the sound of a slamming door makes her jump.
"Welcome, students!" the lecturer announces, leaning on his desk. "My name is Yang and I will be your lead lecturer for Philosophy and Ethics."
There are a couple of grumbled hello's from the front, but everyone else stays silent. Audra focuses on her breathing and trying not to cry.
"Today is just an induction day, so we won't be doing anything for your modules today. Instead, I would like to set you a task – to join a society."
A couple of people start hollering, waving their arms in the air. She isn't sure what they're doing, but Yang gives them a thumbs up.
"In particular I would like to talk about the Game Development Society, which I co-run with Moss Nielsen."
Audra fiddles with her bag, remembering Moss's bright smile. She hadn't seemed so bad, but it could have just been an act to attract new members. She hadn't spent enough time with her to suss her out.
"This year we’ll be working on a horror game. You will be taught the basics before going on to the really hard stuff. I hope that some of you will be interested. Please, a show of hands."
The two people who passed her earlier put their hands up, as well as two of the girls who had kicked her out of her seat. She didn't think they seemed like the type to be interested in game design.
"Even if you don't join our society, there are plenty of others you can join. By this time tomorrow I want you all to have joined a society. If not, it won't be a particularly good start to our student–teacher relationship."
A wave of fear rushes through Audra. She doesn't want to be singled out as someone who didn't join a society. By the way his jaw is set, and the way he fiddles with his tie, she can tell he's serious.
Maybe there's one that will take me.
***
I hope you enjoyed reading! Are you looking forward to Mute? It will be out in October 2021.
See you next week!
PS, looking for some new books to read? Check out the ones in this bundle:
